It is rather sad that I always have to borrow things in order to express myself.
I didn't invent words in the first place.
I say, "apples are red." But was I the first person to call the sweet, rounded fruit "an apple"? Was I the first person to name the colour of the apple's skin "red"? No. I'm only following in someone's footsteps in saying "apples are red." I can only experience the "apple" and the "redness" in an indirect manner. Because how else can I express "the apple" or "red"?
With the apple, I can say, like I did just now, it's a "sweet, rounded fruit," but none of these words - "sweet," "rounded" or "fruit" - belong to me.
Do words only serve to create an alienation between the real world and me?
Certainly, I feel different when I'm using English from when I'm using Japanese or Chinese.
Of course that's because each of these languages requires me to operate in a unique, distinctive cultural context. Even when I met a Japanese person in England, I wished to communicate in English with him/her, because I was loath to switch from my English persona to my Japanese persona.
I wear clothes that someone else created, I eat cuisines that someone else invented, and someone else teaches that to be a proper woman/adult I have to conform to certain social/cultural codes.
Sometimes I'm lost in a sea of signs, symbols and images, and my whole life seems like a borrowed life, and nothing in it is ever genuine or can be called "mine."
But I cannot denounce the whole world and go into the mountains to lead a life of a hermit.
If I wish to continue living among people and continue relating to the world, must I lead a life of collage? Must I keep using borrowed words, wear borrowed clothes, imitate the burrowed images of a proper adult? If I go into the desert and spend 40 days there, will I be able to get back my genuine self? I don't think so. When the 40 days are over, I will have to go back to the world, and it will be the same all over again.